Dime

About once monthly, one of our local Bellingham meetings ask if anyone would be willing to share their experience of the first time coming into CoDA. This is usually looked on as an ice breaker - comforting to anyone in the room who may be new to the setting and want to hear about someone's walk. My typical would go something like this ...

In the beginning of 2015, I was living with 3 housemates, 2 dogs, and a dozen chickens on a farm rental property. I was freshly out of the relationship I moved to Bellingham for, and I was pining for my ex. I was so willing to do anything to repair something that was broken beyond repair, but I just wasn't at the point of seeing that aspect yet. The husband of the couple I was living with had been patiently listening to me one night, and at the point he had apparently had enough, he stated ever so eloquently (loudly): "THAT IS THE MOST CODEPENDENT BULLSHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD." I had no idea what codependence was, but did some Googling and as it turned out, his assessment - while curt - was accurate. This was a lightbulb moment.

I went on to go into my first counseling session through my employee assistance program at that time, and the counselor suggested I might want to check out a CoDA meeting. At my first meeting, all I could think was 'Who the fuck are all these weirdos?' Fast forward several months of regular attendance, and with the complete dissolution of that previous dysfunctional relationship - the verbiage changed to: "I am one of those fucking weirdos and I can't wait to get to meeting this week."

Symbol of 'doing the work'

Never in a million years would I expect to have had a decade of this work under my belt. I never would have considered the possibility that the tangled web of my childhood would need this amount of untangling for me to function as well as I do now. At my birthday meeting this past Saturday (1/11), two primary things came to mind:

1. The first was viewing my recovery and personal growth like the rings on a tree. With each year, I grow outward, and with that I realize that with the more I know, the less I ultimately know due to this growth. With each new experience - forging different neural pathways, new connections, loss of old connections, and just generally navigating life - it is a humbling reminder to stay curious. I realized that I cannot hold the expectation that the more I grow the more I know - it's a futile impossibility. I like this recognition because I don't have to be an expert on healthy relationships - I'm still a student of life, just learning this stuff myself and making new mistakes along the way.

   
   

   

   Trees give life, so does recovery

2. And secondarily, I had an opportunity to walk with a previous business associate in late summer 2024. She is an EAP counselor that I used to support in IT, and is familiar with my journey in self help books, individual and group therapy, dabbling with psychedelics, and beyond. Feeling like I was reaching for the next 'thing' I needed to do, I asked this person for their recommendation - knowing me, what should I do next? And while we were taking that leisurely stroll down the trail, the answer was simple and succinct: "More of this."

   
   

Presence - be here now. Being in nature. Being in good company. And NOT working so hard for it! Less is more, and this was the best advice I've gotten since starting recovery. For awhile, I had thought I was slacking off if I did not attend every meeting I could, if I was not in counseling actively, or not pushing my self help knowledge with new books. But in reality, I was holding myself to a high standard and beating myself up when I fell short. Sometimes the best action is inaction. 2024 saw me never having attended less 12 step meetings, never reading less books, having never gone to less counseling sessions, and I believe each was necessary as a reset.

So 10 years in, and more to come. Less rigidity, more suppleness. Less doing, more being. And hopefully more joy as a result. Cheers