D(anger) - the chemistry of rage addiction

When getting into 12 step recovery, there are many different groups one can steer their course towards. AA, NA, OA, CoDA, SA, SALA, you name it. One of the things I recognized in my father growing up was an incessant need to be angry - it was as though if he was not pissed off at someone or something, that he wasn't alive. His mother was wired very similarly, and I get the sense that this was at least a partially trained behavior. I referred to this as rageaholism, and have come to familiarize myself with many aspects of how anger can be addictive during my self awareness journey.

Our group spoke at length recently at our meeting on the concept of rage and anger, and how that manifests in different ways during or adjacent to recovery. After my father passed, I had the unique experience of sitting down with his counselor who was a family friend, and who also knew I was in counseling and working on improving my communication with Dad in the later years. He was able to illustrate several things about rage to me in that conversation that helped paint a picture, namely the following:

• Rage allows a dump of adrenaline and cortisol in the bloodstream, which is typically reserved for self preservation - to respond quickly in moments of 'fight or flight'. To extreme sports enthusiasts, this can be viewed as a reward since this chemical response temporarily increases strength, sharpens focus, and decreases the body's ability to feel pain. There are many credible sources online that speak to this and more, including this article

  
  

• This is typically followed by feelings of ease of tension when the chemicals triggered by rage dissipate and feelings of shame, guilt, or similar enter. Often times in a romantic relationship, the 'rager' would start buying gifts to apologize to the person they raged at during this stage.

  
  

• Partners of those hair triggered anger addicts at times stick around because of the cycle of good times after the wave of anger. However, they routinely receive diminishing returns as the bouts of anger mount, the bad outweighs the good, etc

  
  

• And lastly, similar to many other addictions, in order to get the same 'hit' over time, this means the anger needs to be experienced at a greater volume in order to have the same chemical effects on the body. Rage feeds on itself - anger begets more anger as a result of the above chemical equation working in the background. This issue doesn't improve over time, and often gets worse until someone enters a pattern disrupt either through seeking counseling or major life change

One particularly poignant example specific to romantic relationships that exemplifies a dysfunctional relationship focused on cycles of anger and rage is the Rihanna and Eminem song "Love the Way You Lie". It expresses verbally what domestic violence and dysfunction could feel like within a romantic relationship. It covers the ups and downs of rage and post rage, and trying to maintain a relationship through that. I definitely recommend giving it a listen if you are curious.

I've shared this in meetings, but there was a long timeline during highschool and college athletics where I would turn my anger towards the authoritarian upbringing under my father into what I called 'inspired workouts'. I was often so angry during weight lifting sessions that it was difficult to see straight. I envisioned a time in the future in which I would be so strong and menacing that I could 'take out' my father physically. After I moved far away from home after college, I recognized somewhere around my mid to late 20's that I had lost a lot of motivation in the gym for heavy one rep maxes and chose a lighter maintenance routine. I noticed that much of my anger had ebbed, and that I had become a more peaceful person. Those that know me now would not recognize the me that I presented a decade ago in this way.

Our meeting also covered the fact that our current culture and society tends to glorify anger, rage, dominance, alpha behavior,  violence, and more in several different formats - in movies, TV, music - you name it. This is a tricky influence to combat because peace doesn't make news. However, violent acts and fear-mongering drive clicks, likes, shares, and keep people sucked into negative news cycles for hours. The psychology behind this may suggest that we are being brainwashed by our surroundings, and it's tough to escape this effect without disengaging from our multiple forms of electronic leashes (smartphones, computers, and more). In an era of being the most connected we've ever been globally, this is a challenge no doubt. I come back to the quote that "boring isn't bad" - and whereas peace may not be a "sexy" subject, it is certainly not overstimulating and something I value more highly these days.

This final bit is unrelated, but in searching through some of my older journals recently to gather material for this blog entry, I came across an inspirational quote that I absolutely loved. I used to be in track and field in college and enjoyed the narrative and inspiration behind Steve Prefontaine as what he was labeled, a rockstar runner. One of his best quotes was written in my journal and stuck out to me:

" The best pace is a suicide pace, and today is a good day to die"

Nothing more clearly sets an example of my tone towards recovery. If not giving your all, why give anything? Life is too short, and I'm putting all my cards on the table. Thanks for reading!