Dating in 2024 as a late 30s m

Pardon my multi-month hiatus from a blog update - I have several major life shifts to blame including but not limited to a job change, no current hybrid WFH days, travel, holidays, and more. I actually started jotting down ideas for this blog months ago, and never had time to polish this until today. Oh, and Merry Christmas! Read on ...

Dating as a man in the aftermath of the Me-Too movement: The Me-Too movement grew out of an endemic problem with high profile men that had been treating women deplorably for years across several industries, and it was discovered that systems existed to protect those same men that allowed this behavior to continue. There were threats of violence against those women who tried to speak out, and the whole situation was an incredibly ugly mark in American history. The changes that came about as a result of this movement absolutely needed to happen to curb behavior of some terrible men in positions of power from the top down. The momentum that was gained during this period of investigative reporting and power shift gained a lot of steam, and while many men were rightfully brought to justice, eventually this campaign seemed to devolve into what felt like an overcorrection. Innocent men of many walks in high power wound up slandered, careers called into question or ruined, while the court cases that precipitated quietly found them not guilty and dropped charges.

I will admit, there has been fear on my part since this movement to not overstep boundaries. I have been in therapy a decade and have always considered myself a respectful gentleman with the opposite sex, who openly communicated about the importance of enthusiastic consent and clear communication. But I started questioning everything - up to and including having confidence when talking to women that things I did or said would be taken the wrong way. Am I allowed to offer to pay for a date? Would that be considered part of the systemic patriarchy that was part of the problem? Would it be okay to compliment someone's outfit when they look nice? Would consistent consent vocally be needed for every step of every interaction to stay on the right side of the line? I have spoken with other men in my age group who have encountered similar mental stumbling blocks when navigating the modern dating scene.

Online dating and instantaneous gratification: Currently, there are major obstacles in the mental health landscape associated with instant gratification and online dating. Online dating continues to become more nuanced, more specialized, and more dissociative and out of touch with those using the platforms. The applications originally developed out of a perceived 'need' to act as a liaison between singles, and at least initially had altruistic intentions behind their operations. Unfortunately, when this concept took off and became a money maker, these platforms devolved to monetization first. It wasn't about pairing people - it was about the gamification of dating. Keeping the cycles spinning, keeping people engaged using the apps, making people sign up for more and different types of paid memberships. So long as the revolutions keep turning, the money keeps coming in. To clarify: the product became making money instead of pairing people successfully.

To make matters worse and coupled with the above, our culture - many of whom statistically have become more tech addicted when it comes to dating - need the continual rush of dopamine of another connection, another like, another click, another potential mate. When someone online says one thing, any thing, that is deemed a turn off? There is no conversation. There is no confrontation .... simply ghosted, or a full disconnection from communication - keep swiping, onto the next rotation.

Some other disturbing trends I have been made aware of over the past year:

• Based on my understanding and limited experiences, it seems many people will 'like' someone to simply get a like back, for validation sake only. No intention to match, chat, date, etc - just ego stroking

• There is a horrifying statistic that keeps floating around that somewhere near 80% of women using online dating swipe for 5% of men (aka are extremely selective)

• There has been a trend dubbed the triple 6, or a metric that women dating online are seeking out - aka a man who is 6' tall, has a 6 figure income, and is equipped with 6" of manhood.

• And about a million other slang terms that for sure did not need to be in anyone's dictionary: catfishing, hatfishing, rizz, zombieing, etc

"Comparison is the thief of joy" - President Theodore Roosevelt

Social media and comparison as a killer: Social media has been linked with a number of different issues since its inception, many articles which have garnered negative publicity with the impact of social media on developing children & teenagers. However, when it comes to negative impacts on adults, most negativity in social media stems from comparison. Most social media platforms have allowed people to be bombarded daily with not feeling 'enough' through comparison to others. This is especially prevalent in an influencer culture which thrives on sharing highlight reels of a glamorous lifestyle. This same influencer culture gives a spotlight to people that are seemingly rich enough to afford to travel to exotic places regularly, it offers the ability to sexualize all genders by encouraging exposing hyper-toned bodies for likes / clicks / shares, and there is a perceived never-ending social scene that advertises the influencers many exploits when perpetually going out. This is such a multifaceted issue that transcends gender, race, privilege, and more - and social media is still new enough to not have a full grasp on the downstream impacts to future generations as the science tracking such things is still developing. At the heart of this, similar to the gamification of dating apps, is that influencers are being paid significant sums of money to produce the content that engages these likes / clicks / shares. So it is identity as a business strategy.

Complicating matters more, the drive to be interconnected online has allowed people to feel as though they are maintaining close connection with many around them. In reality, face-to-face actual interactions, direct phone calls, and other means of direct communication are regularly supplanted for the convenience of artificial connection with others. This has led to a to what the media has dubbed as a loneliness epidemic that was perpetuated and deepened by the impacts of COVID-19.

Elder generations: As someone in the Xennial generation, my parents' generation dated the person next door or the person down the street because there was no technology connecting people at the time. Literally the options were what you could see in front of you. They either spoke to people in person, wrote them letters, or called them on the analog phone. This required soft skills ... how to flirt, how to court, and eventually once dating, how to navigate conflict, how to work through problems, and more. These are important developmental stages when in relationship - ones that I would vouch determine the probability of success when building towards a long term relationship if that is the goal. The landscape today looks very different ...

Great example of current dating:

Match with somebody on a dating app, chat briefly, await a response, then all of a sudden the person is gone. No saying why, no knowing if there was something said that was a turn off, no feedback cycle. If anything, it is as though one has barely entered a pre-flirting stage? And then to be met with ghosting, or the total disconnection of communication with another - what is to be learned from this jarring behavior? Absolutely nothing - no skills are required, no working through anything, no grieving the potential, just the hooks in on the app, pull your boots up, and keep swiping for the next one. Rinse, recycle, repeat - ad nauseam.

Dating in the modern age is hard

Where Do We Go from Here?

Despite the challenges, I remain hopeful. Every shift in culture and technology presents an opportunity for growth. If we’re willing to embrace self-awareness, practice empathy, and prioritize authenticity, we can navigate this new dating landscape with purpose.

Here are a few reminders for anyone feeling disheartened:

• Define your values. Know what you’re looking for and stay true to it, even when it feels like the world is pushing you toward superficiality.

• Focus on quality over quantity. It’s not about how many matches you get, but about the depth of connection you create.

• Practice patience. Real connection takes time, vulnerability, and effort.

• Step away from the screen. Balance online interactions with real-world experiences. Human connection thrives in the moments we share face-to-face.

  
  

Dating in 2024 may be different, but it’s also an opportunity to redefine how we connect, love, and grow. Let’s embrace the challenge with open hearts and curious minds.