Intellectualization vs feeling the feelings

More than once, I have heard the concept of addiction likened to a dysfunctional game of whack-a-mole. Every time you believe to have one addiction under control or knocked back given the analogy, another one pops up in a different location. Similarly, I have heard of addictions being like have 7 garbage cans with 6 lids. The root of these things is the sneaky nature with which the body and the mind immediately respond to attempting to control addictive behaviors. Both the body and the mind desire to function in familiar cycles - and cessation from an addiction is not part of the dyfunctional cycle that has been the standard. This is why the analogies above are so apt at dipicting the struggle with maintaining sobriety from any addiction.

When I began counseling in 2015, my addictions vassilated. I went from being addicted to the drama of dysfunctional relationships (codependency to be specific), to unknowingly being addicted to educating myself about my own dysfunctional patterns. I stood behind this behavior because how could anyone knock my efforts at bettering my self awareness? This holier-than-thou attitude was an unconscious and thinly veiled cover for deeper issues. I raced to the library and stocked up on self-help materials. In addtion to my visits to the local library, I peeled through online scholarly materials on codependency, often at an untenable pace of hours a day. This went on for MONTHS after the relationship that was my entry point into 12 step recovery ended. It took until far later that year to identify what I was doing and to pump the brakes on my approach.

This was clear evidence that applying my arsenal of brain power, logic, and analytical skills surely was going to help with my problems of the heart, right? WRONG! This was by definition intellectualizing my struggles - and where the information gleaned at this time was supplemental and ultimately helpful, the requirement to feel my feelings in order to heal was still present. No amount of reading, writing, or staying in my head was going to allow me to be present enough in my body to allow the uncomfortable feelings I was feeling to be felt. The brain and body are very different systems. And for me, intellectualizing this approach was safe - if I could outthink it, I could fix it. This, unfortunately, is not how addiction recovery works - intellectualizing is just a differnet form of numbing out to avoid negative feelings. However, in my mind this approach was my way to validate continued unhealthy behaviors - to anyone on the outside who was uninitiated in addiction, they could not make an arguement that what I was doing was anything but healthy. This brings me to a helpful phrase:

"Everything in moderation, including moderation"

For many, getting to 'calm' is the starting point of mental and emotional heavy lifting - not the cure-all. Mainly because a magic exilir that answers all problems is just that - magic, not based in reality. Living moderately is generally the goal of anyone who struggles with addiction, because addiction by definition is immoderation. Moderation also does not mean perfection, but it does mean being ACTUALLY moderate - not TOO moderate in all things.

Sobriety, or in my case being single - was the entry point into the start of my journey. Sobriety does not equate to healthy - if anything, it allows for deeper introspection into the dis-ease without the distraction of that first major addiction. With carving away one addiction, a vacuum is created that the mind attempts to replace immediately to keep the cycle going. This is why it is often recommended at the beginning of 12 step for those trying to sober up to make no major life changes within the first year of recovery. Things like adoption, pregnancy, moving, changing jobs, getting married, getting divorced, and other major life changes are just another form of distraction which would take focus off to recovery (more numbing agents).