JADE: defined

As with many life lessons gathered through 12 step work, there have been acronyms which acted as useful tools and reminders to help me stay the course with my recovery.

JADE was one such acronym shared with me several years ago, and it stands for:

Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain

In general, this is a defense mechanism of the ego. I have found that when my sense of self perceives a threat, my mind can go into overdrive to protect me from those threats - and this takes place almost on autopilot. In this way, I often seek out ways to make my position 'right' instead of 'reasonable'.

In the pursuit of being right, often we Justify our actions or words. This is the act of bartering with oneself or others - to prove innocence, to offer blameless apologies ("I know I did X, but ...."), and more. I have found that justifying one's words or behavior often feels as though it is coming from a place of being just, of being right, and/or of feeling as though one has a sense of moral superiority in the situation.

Branching off of this concept, often when we believe we are right, we will Argue our position. Arguing for the sake of arguing does not lead to compromise, with self or with others. It simply seeks to engage and enrage.

Defending one's position is very similar to the justification listed above. This offers fortification and doubling-down of one's position. By not giving an inch in conversation, we take the aggressive approach of proving one's point (no conceding here - only "winning")

And lastly, Explaining. This, of the 3 other parts of this acronym above, hits home for me hardest when it comes to ego self-preservation. I am a chronic over-analyzer and feel the need to put into 100 words what at times could be said in 5 to 10. Explaining is less aggressive than the others methods listed above, but certainly can still cause problems on the receiving end. Oftentimes, I find myself getting into trouble with active listening specifically here - if I am in a conversation and trying to explain a point (likely about an action taken or words spoken), I have usually turned off my capacity to listen. Instead, I wait to pounce on the next opportunity to continue speaking about my explanation. This, as it turns out, is not a conversation because it takes two people to hold a conversation : / This habit is aggravating at best, and discrediting to whomever I am attempting to speak with while also pushing distance at worst. Another way to say this is that this is not a connective form of communication (*Note: To an extent, I have found that explaining myself can be done much more effectively through journaling, or with a counselor in a non-emotionally charged moment than with others – especially when it comes to matters of codependence).

Another acronym that seems fitting to relay within this journal is RAT, or:

Right All the Time

Anyone who feels they are right all the time can be labeled as a rat : ) Newsflash: no one is right all the time, and the people that believe they are tend to push others away.

Acronyms like these have been a handy way to remind myself that there are tools at my disposal to remind me that I can choose healthier communication patterns. My brain is able to hold onto acronyms at times much easier than other mantras or quotes, and where they may not fit every situation, they certainly help in some. Thanks for reading