My dog, my teacher - an appreication post

[Content warning: end of life discussion for pets incoming]

Multiple times throughout my coexistence with my dog (Bella) which began in 2017, I have been reminded just how lucky I am to have had her in my life even for the 7 years I have. Realizing as she approaches age 14 with different faculties starting to show serious signs of aging, I wanted to write a few words while in a position of clarity. Someone recently pointed out that I was pre-grieving my loss of her, and in that I recognized the significant role she has played in my life: she has been my copilot through my first home purchase, several relationships, many tenants over the last 6 years, the founding of a nonprofit, a masters degree, several jobs, the loss of my father, several life altering surgeries, a global pandemic, and the heart of my 30's among many other things. With all of these things, we've walked side-by-side together.

Bella was my steady fishing companion through all of these years, opting to laze in the sun in good weather right behind the captain's chair on my drift boat. She was never going to be a mountain climbing dog, but for many years accompanied me on hikes up Oyster Dome, mountain bike rides out near the Twin Sisters, and many beach hikes. Never one to be rushed, she often set the pace for said adventures.

Unmistakably and repeatedly, I was told that dogs help train their owners how to have healthy relationships. Namely, I was told this comes in the form of them doing things that drive you as the owner up the wall, but at the end of the day still loving them unconditionally. This, as it turns out, is a pretty close parallel to many healthy human-to-human relationships in life.

A major life lesson she taught me came when I was moving some larger furniture around at my house years ago. At the time, I did not realize Bella would respond neurotically to such things - I was new to home ownership and newer to her. I ended up moving my refrigerator to the middle of the kitchen floor for a couple days, which just so happened to be directly in Bella's line of sight and also close to her food and water bowls. For the time that fridge was out of place, she couldn't keep down her food, she would have potty accidents inside the house, and other very atypical behavior. As soon as that refrigerator returned to its regular spot, the issue went away. This wound up being a consistent theme throughout my time with Bella - Bella does not handle change well (quite relatable!). As it were, I was relaying this event to a counselor at the time and very casually, that counselor stated

"...well, that makes sense because consistency is equivalent to safety / security."

I was floored! I had never heard that correlation before, but the second my counselor said that, it hit me like a truck. When I had inconsistencies in childhood, I was identical. It wasn't a chaotic environment exactly, but my source of love and safety and security was routinely up and down as my primary caregivers struggled with their own emotional regulation and dysregulation. This has been the root cause of me desiring consistency in adult relationships, truly as one of the most important non-negotiables both with friends and romantic partners. I wanted to feel safe, to build that with another person. Words and actions being in alignment are paramount to me being able to trust a person, regardless of the type of relationship.

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The logical and analytical parts of my brain definitely wish the process of approaching end of life preparations for Bella right now were linear. As in

"After X happens in phase 1, then move on to Y in phase 2, finally preparing you for Z in phase 3"

However and with most things in life, nothing is quite this straightforward or simple. We have good days and we have bad days together. But we are together through it all.

A part of me recognizes that my anchor, my most nuclear family member on this half of the United States, will pass when Bella's time is up and recognition of this shift sees me asking the questions any addict in recovery being put through trying times faces:

How can I survive such a challenge moderately?

This is always the challenge, regardless of circumstance, with most challenges I face in life. The immoderate side of me absolutely wants to jerk the wheel hard in a different direction - cost of living has always been high locally and getting higher. I moved here for a relationship that went sour 11 years ago - how sweet would it be to regain my power and independence by moving and completely changing my scenery? No easier way to let my past fully be my past and not let it dictate my future. The job doesn't pay well enough to see me stick around. No romantic interests locally to keep my attention.

...These knee-jerk responses would be familiarly described as pulling a geographicin 12 step work and would be representative of a less recovered, less therapized version of myself. By uprooting, everything changes - one giant distraction after the other from the current distressing situation. New locale, new friends, new job, new living arrangements, etc. But when the novelty wears off, everywhere you go there you are. Same old Jon, but with the new hurt of a dead best friend, trying to numb the feelings and avoid / evade grief.

I was challenged by another friend in recovery to maybe see out Bella's passing, and see who I am locally beyond it. I have developed a great community in Bellingham, and the core of my recovery work and friends are here. My life ultimately has changed tangibly for the better once I settled down and stayed with my feet in one place for a few years - it is easy to track. Saved up enough to buy a house, good job supported remodels and upgrades to that, attained higher level of education, traveled more freely, helped found a non- profit, have navigated the waters of uncertainty beyond a life altering injury quite well. It is true that I could thrive anywhere, but why not here even without my dog? Time will tell what the right move is, but I feel like I may just have to stay put for a bit - to feel the feelings, to let the grief ebb, and to let new life flow beyond the Bella years ...

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As a single dog-parent, I feel the weight of navigating Bella's old age full force - financially, mentally, emotionally, and more. To be honest, the last year and a half has been a very isolating experience. She needs more care, is less mobile, and can no longer engage in the things that we used to love to do together. It has become more difficult to find care for her when I travel for work - I have been traveling more for work, which she does not respond well to. Which has also been de-incentivizing my own travel outside of that (just leaving her again, making her more neurotic).

Reality is I am in the prime of my life while she is tiptoeing to the end of hers. I am trying to strike a balance with this, and approach things from that perspective. I still must do the things that fill my well and keep me happy, while also tending to her needs. One of these balances has come from daily walks. Whereas 10min walks from two years ago now take 30min+, I walk with Bella and also started walking to work in the morning. I was gaining a mental benefit from the amount of walking we had been doing historically, and I don't want to backslide on that - so this is a compromise where we both get our needs met.

Perspective shifts have helped as well. Instead of 'I have to do X for Bella' - take her to the vet, bring her along for every trip, leave an event early to give her a walk or feed her - I have exchanged the words "I have to" with "I get to". Other cultures outside of the US celebrate their elderly - it is a beautiful rites of passage to help them in their golden years. I get to choose this approach with her. I get to choose not to rush through walks, to embrace the slowing speed of life, and to engage her in the ways she wants to spend her remaining time here.

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Some personal lessons Bella has taught me 

Despite my best efforts to adopt a velcro dog that needed me constantly, she is perfectly fine with space and rarely cuddles / kisses. I know dogs like that, and she has never been like that. This has been a lesson in boundaries and remembering that not everyone has the same needs or wants. 

She has taught me to be present. Dogs have this gift of childlike innocence - they are permanently 3yo mentally despite growing to old age. The beauty in this is that the things they are feeling are always happening right now. Rest when rest is needed, play when in the mood, be sad / tired if the situation warrants it. Maintain a feisty attitude, and to be goofy. Never hide the emotion of the moment.

Bella, particularly over the last two years, has taught me patience. That smelling the flowers and taking time on walks - where at times for a busybody like myself it is incredibly painful and not timely with other plans - is right and proper and good to do. That in order to be a good dog parent to her, I need to stay present with her and be attuned to her needs through each step of this thing - which I admit is much easier said than done.

Bella has taught me the importance of dreaming. Seemingly forever sleeping and regulalry in a dream state, Bella's world view is simple yet complex. But she is never far away from 1) a comfy bed 2) a good nap and 3) letting her mind wander while resting.

Bella has taught me the meaning of showing up consistently for someone, including myself. She is definitely a creature of habit, and I can set a clock off certain behaviors. I know she will pop her head into my room in the morning after I feed and water her, just to check in. I know she will yodel when excited for food. I know she will drool nonstop in the presence of human food. I know that she will stop and drink from every puddle, even in the pouring rain, on every walk despite any amount of my pleading, pulling, or coaxing. I know that she will try to bite me if I pick her up and put her on the couch. I know that she will awkwardly greet every new visitor to the house with her multi-colored beach ball proudly on display in her mouth. I know that she will place herself directly in the best viewing spot in the house - just into the kitchen, with views of the front door, back door, and hallway - squarely in the most inconvenient location for all humans going anywhere. She seemingly has a knack for passing gas only when all fans in the house are off and all windows / doors are closed - as a previous tenant noted, 'scortched eyebrows' haha